Rambling Rush: How I mangled Mother’s Day … and 10 tips to avoid making the same mistakes

THERE are three occasions that spring to mind where I have been in some real trouble.

One was at primary school where there was a huge inter-dormitory pillow fight in the middle of the night which involved half the hostel.

Admittedly, as a prefect, I should not really have been an instigator and so was one of four prefects to lose his badge.

At high school, when in grade 11, I was so far behind in submitting a history assignment that a mate let me ‘use’ his history essay.

Unbeknown to him I copied it almost word for word. And got caught …and caned. Not my finest moment.

But these two pale into comparison compared to what happened on Mother’s Day.

When I woke up it was absolutely bucketing down. Heavy rain.

I pulled back the curtain and peeked through the window. Could have sworn I saw a shark swim past.

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Not fully awake, I casually suggested on the family WhatsApp chat that maybe we take a rain check regarding the lunch at Ouma’s.

If you don’t want to suddenly become the sin-in-law, then don’t ever do this. Ever. Ever, ever.

If you have small kids then multiply this by infinity.

I went from in-law to out-law faster than you can say Jesse James. No amount of CTRL Z (undo) could fix it.

My brother-in-law Tom was the only one seeing the funny side and he could not believe his luck, as he had already done his sonly duties.

Now ranked 1: My brother in law Thomas and his wife Elmarie.

He had been teetering in the relegation zone and now suddenly found himself a title contender. At the very least ‘Man of the Match’.

As for me, Red Card, Sin Bin, Timeout Chair.

Saint Tom laid it on thick. “You’ve slapped the bull, kicked the hornets’ nest, unleashed the scorpions.”

“On top of that you’ve made the wise owl cry. I’d suggest bring a bullet proof vest.”

Followed by gales of laughter.

Then he mentioned something about “food already taken out for cooking”.

Ooohhh…

Then I heard that my own mother was on her way to Howick in the rain and I realised that perhaps maybe I had been … what, overconcerned?

No, maybe JACKASS is a better word. A complete and total jackass.

 

ABOVE: Okay this is not actually me, but it might as well be.

Long story short, we made amends and headed to Hibberdene for a belated lunch.

The sun came out for 27 seconds and I took that as a sign, but not before I had a guarantee that Ouma would not unleash the hounds of hell the moment I stepped out of the car.

In the end we had a great time as we always do but I’ll admit I wanted to strap the kids to my chest as protection!

Ouma had gifts for the children and letters for her daughter and me. I couldn’t find a hole big enough to crawl into.

Subsequent forensic testing determined they had been written before the WhatsApp.

I also apologised to Oupa as well. “I don’t get involved in the women’s arrangements,” he said calmly, kind of Clint Eastwood style.

Oupa is a wise man, a very wise man.

 

10 TIPS TO STAY IN YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW’S GOOD BOOKS (especially on Mother’s Day)

1. Let your wife organise the big days.

2. Your job is to obey her.

3. Don’t think anything you suggest can outdo what your wife has planned.

4. No watching rugby, unless Oupa has it on.

5. Do not cancel or postpone ever. Shoulder-high snow, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and even Armageddon cannot be used as excuses.

6. No man ‘flu.

7. Do not try to understand all these things. You’ve got more chance getting the Springboks to beat the All Blacks.

8. Remember all birthdays. Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, we have no excuse now.

9. Mention Father’s Day is around the corner. “What time should we be here?”

10. You could also mention Christmas is not that far off either.

I don’t know a man who has done this and regretted it.

 

YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN: When Granny breaks the law

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  AUTHOR
David Rush
Sports Editor

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